What-if Wednesday: What if it is personal?

What about that wad of paper on the ground? Yep, it's personal.

When I first began teaching, I had a difficult time with classroom management.  Well-intentioned teachers would explain to me, "It's not personal."  Often, this advice was accompanied by "you just need to develop a thicker skin."  In other words, desensitize yourself to the pain and insecurities attached to having students throw papers, talk when I'm talking and saying sarcastic comments.  

On some level, I see what they meant.  Students often don't intend to be hurtful.  Many times, they carry heavy baggage from home or they're irritated with another student or they're going through an awful junior high break up, learning that seventh grade love will not last forever.  Still, I wonder if we do children a disservice when we "focus on the behaviors" and ignore the relational side.  

What if it is personal?  What if a child misbehaves because he is bored and he is a little angry with the teacher for making class boring?  What if a child throws a paper because the teacher has not earned the child's respect?  What if a child means nothing by acting out?  It might not "seem" personal, but the reality is that kids need to learn that their actions have the capability to hurt people.  

For me (and I cannot apply this to all people) the answer is not to deny it, put on a tough-guy mask and plow through as if nothing is happening.  Nor does it work to simply focus on the behavior and offer a reward or punishment.  The best solution is to start a dialogue about why we act the way we do.  This way, students have the chance to speak openly and the teacher gets a peak at what is going on behind the scenes.  Furtheremore, this establishes trust and gets students to think in a way that is more sympathetic to others.

For example, when a child throws paper in class (which is rare when a lesson is engaging, procedures are clear and instruction is differentiated), I will walk over quietly and ask what happened.  I'll even preface it with, "I'm not writing a referral.  I want to know what this was all about."  I'll use statements like, "It feels distracting to others when you throw papers and it gets me really frustrated.  It makes me feel like a student doesn't care."  Usually, when we get it to this relational, human level, the student will apologize or will share what's really going on.  

Again, the idea is not "don't take it personally," but to handle the personal side with dignity.  Instead of addressing behavior, a teacher has the opportunity to model forgiveness and compassion and to walk the ever-difficult paradox of being accepting of students while being firm in discipline.  I'm not advocating a long Dr. Phil moment or a classroom where I wear a cardigan and play the guitar to the tune of Kumbaya.  Instead, I'm suggesting that I engage students in a coversation about what it means to be respectful toward others.

This relational approach works two ways, however.  I have apologized publicly for punishing an entire class or for yelling or for moments when I got the class off-topic.  I used to believe that being vulnerable would make me an easy target.  Now I realize it helps me to earn trust and respect.